While eating some delicious berries at breakfast yesterday, I realized a profound truth:
Every food can be enhanced by adding either berries or cheese. I defy all to come up with a food that couldn’t be improved by one or the other. Defy!
Every time I pose this question a harsh debate ensues. I brought it up with a co-worker yesterday and would appreciate some more opinions. The question: Batman vs. Superman - who would win?
I think the answer is obvious. And I know that they fought in a comic at some point but I think the outcome was highly questionable.
So this transit strike is like half fun and half annoying for me. On the one hand, I had to walk 96 blocks to get to work yesterday but on the other hand I got to go to a sleepover last night with friends that live in midtown. And sleepovers are totally fun and awesome.
Tuesday morning I got up and saw on the news that the strike was happening so I thought "Nuts to that–I’ll simply call a car service because my job will reimburse me." This was obviously stupid of me because everyone was trying to call for a car so I was on hold for like an hour before I finally gave up. I figured I couldn’t skip work because I need the money so there was nothing else to do but start walking. Around block 60 I definitely got the "walker’s high" and by the time I got to work I felt like I had conquered some mighty quest a la The Lord of the Rings. I also felt like my body was going to liquify (is that a word? yes? no?).
After all the walking fol-de-rol I decided not to bother with going home last night and instead asked some friends who live near my job if I could sleep over. They said yes because they are awesome and it ended up being a fun fun time. I hit the hay sort of early and they rolled in around 1:30 am–drunk as drunk can be. I woke up and we spent the next 3 hours having some laughs. It turns out even though I was the only one not intoxicated, I still fit in because I was sleepy-drunk.
In other news, I was watching TBS last weekend and it must have been some unofficial Meg Ryan movie marathon–You’ve Got Mail was involved, maybe Sleepless in Seattle, and definitely Kate and Leopold. Now that last one I had rented a few years ago to watch with my bffe, we wanted to make sure it was as awful as the clips we had seen implied. Upon watching it, we found the movie was indeed a piece of shit….but when it was on last weekend I thought I would give it another chance. I mean, I like Hugh Jackman (he certainly gets an A for effort in this one), and when the best friend and I watched it, we were doing a running commentary so I might have missed some stuff. Upon a second viewing I found that I did miss some plot points….but they only made the movie shittier. I love that the message of the film seems to be that the 19th century is way better than the 21st because people had manners. On this one point alone, Meg Ryan decides to follow the very honorable man she loves back to the 1890’s–giving up her career at an evil advertising agency. No mention is made that she’s also giving up pretty much all her rights as a person. No voting for you, Meg! Actually, Annie (the bffe) said it best: when Kate goes back in time and has the happy ending moment with Leopold, Annie said, "Well I hope you brought some tampons!" Sure the rich folk of the time are polite and repress their emotions and all that, but they’re also on top of a very rigid and unfair class system. But never mind that. I think I’ll make a regular column out of movies that are gross to me.
Maybe I will focus on movies that have tricked people into thinking they are good but they are actually awful. Movies like The Hours and Forrest Gump–yeah you heard me. Ka-pow!
I was at the Tower Records on the upper west side a few weeks ago and happened upon some fancy new edition of Titanic on DVD. I was really into this movie when it first came out–that’s right, I said it. Normally I’m not a fan of movies that take an actual event and add a bunch of stuff that would never have happened (i.e. 3rd class boy and 1st class girl have back-seat-sex in ship’s cargo hold) but I liked the movie just as a big epic type thing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s a masterpiece or anything–the writing is definitely lame but still I enjoy the film. So anyway I’m at Tower Records and I buy the Titanic DVD because it’s on sale and it has a bunch of cut scenes and an alternate ending entitled "Brock’s Epiphany".
After viewing this alternate ending I have to give it my personal blue ribbon for Worst Alternate Ending Ever. Not that I expected much…but this was really really awful. I don’t want to spoil it for people because it’s totally hilarious but how many of you are really going to buy it? Remember at the end old Rose climbs up on the rails of the ship and tosses the necklace into the water? Well in this version Brock (Bill Paxton) and some of his crewmate stereotype guys catch her as she’s about to toss the necklace. There’s this long exchange where Rose tells him he shouldn’t worry about wordly riches–he should focus on making each day count. And then I puked. Two times. She lets him hold the necklace for a minute and then she tosses it overboard. The two stereotype guys start freaking out–the fat one says, "That really sucks, lady!" Indeed. So here’s the best part, and by best I mean worst: Brock is staring at his hand (the one that just held the necklace) clearly about to have an epiphany. Suddenly he starts laughing. There’s an overhead shot of him looking up at the stars as he laughs. He’s learned the true meaning of Christmas! Or the true meaning of the Titanic–whatever! He gives Rose a meaningful look as she starts laughing too, then he turns to her granddaughter and asks her to dance. Then I puke again.
In the interest of a fair and balanced post, I will also award a blue ribbon for Best Alternate Ending Ever. Actually this one is the original ending but the studio wanted a more upbeat ending so Sam Raimi had to go back and shoot a new one. I’m talking about Army of Darkness. In the theatrical release, Ash makes it back to his own time. The final scene is of Ash reclaiming his job at the S-Mart and defeating a she-bitch. I enjoyed this ending but the original one seems much more appropriate for the kind of guy Ash is. The original ending has him sleeping a hundred years longer that he’s s’posed to. He wakes up, assuming he is back in his own time but when he emerges from the cave, a post-apocalyptic wasteland lies before him. It’s a great image–I think it’s a matte painting–it’s a big pile of rubble but you can make out some famous landmarks like Big Ben. Ash falls to his knees and shouts, "I slept too long!" You can see the ending in the Director’s Cut of the film–which also has excellent commentary by Sam Raimi and my main man Bruce Campbell.
"Whereas ‘Yes, Dear’ is in its 6th season. Makes sense to me." - Jaimie
That response to my last post got me to thinking, "What’s the deal with ‘Arrested Development’ getting cancelled and shows like ‘Yes, Dear’ staying on the air?" I guess the answer is blowin’ in the wind. I’m sure part of the answer is that the show is too smart for Fox and maybe would’ve had a better chance on HBO. At any rate, I’ve decided to list (without critique) a few of the sitcoms that are allowed to remain on the air while "Arrested Development" gets sacked. I’m also including brief descriptions of each show courtesy of tv.com:
The King of Queens revolves around Doug Heffernan (Kevin James) a Queens, NY parcel delivery man with simple desires. Among his prized possessions is a 70-inch television that his lovely wife, Carrie (Leah Remini), provided for him. However, now that Carrie’s widowed father, Arthur (Jerry Stiller), lives with them, Doug’s television room has become Arthur’s bedroom.
Theme Song "My eyes are gettin’ weary/My back is gettin’ tight/I’m sittin here in traffic/On the Queensborough bridge tonight/But I don’t care cuz all I wanna do/Is cash my check and drive right home to you/Cuz baby all my life I will be driving home to you"
Blue Collar TV (on hiatus) stars comedy veterans Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy. They are the same guys who brought us the hit movie "Blue Collar Comedy Tour". These guys will crack you up with their antics and jokes. They play themselves as well as other characters in many weird, yet hilarious, situations.
Still Standing High school sweethearts Bill and Judy Miller are a blue-collar Chicago couple working to raise their three children responsibly and not lose sight of their own youthfulness. As parents who came of age in the 70’s, they raise their three children more by the seats of their pants than by the book, trying to do things a bit differently with their kids then their parents did with them, trying to be cool parents. But now they have a teenage daughter, Lauren, who wants a belly-button ring and a son, Brian, who they can’t pry away from his computer long enough for him to raise a little hell and enjoy his youth. Thank goodness for the youngest, Tina, who still worships them both.
According to Jim ABC’s hit family-friendly comedy, returns for it’s fifth season after recently celebrating it’s milestone 100th episode. Jim Belushi stars as Jim, the macho everyman, with a soft spot for his beautiful wife, Cheryl (Courtney Thorne-Smith), and their three precocious kids–Ruby (Taylor Atelian), Gracie (Billi Bruno) and Kyle (Connor Rayburn). A success at his construction business and the family breadwinner, at home Jim seems to keep Cheryl in constant turmoil with his boyish bravado and ever-willful antics. But their underlying love for each other guarantees they are in this marriage for keeps.
………so I haven’t seen any of these shows all the way through. For all I know they could be brilliant. Really fucking brilliant.
Arrested Development is getting cancelled. Something like 13 more episodes and then it’s over. I’m taking to my bed.
I forgot to post this before Halloween–it would have been more fitting. However now that I have some time to burn, I’ll post my list of things that scare me. Now I don’t mean the obvious stuff like Return to Oz or Dark Crystal because that doesn’t really scare me anymore. Come to think of it, maybe that’s not true. Yes I’m definitely still afraid of both those movies. Regardless, that’s not what we’re here to talk about because it would be too obvious.
Anyhoo, here are a few things that scare the crap out of me:
Cube (film - 1997): "7 complete strangers of widely varying personality characteristics are involuntarily placed in an endless kafkaesque maze containing deadly traps." That’s the plot synopsis from imdb.com and it doesn’t really do the movie justice. I’m not saying it’s a genius piece of cinema history but it freaked me out for like a day and a half. Watching this movie made me feel like I’d never be happy again. These people are trapped in a giant cube made up of smaller cubes and they’re trying to figure out this mathematical combination to get out. What scares me about it is the idea that they don’t know what is outside of the cube. The movie insinuates that beyond the cube is nothingness and that notion is totally chilling to me.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer Episode "Hush" (Season 4): One the best of the best of Buffy episodes. There’s hardly any dialogue which must have been a tough thing to pull off but it works brilliantly. As with any Buffy episode, it’s funny and clever and dramatic and everything else….so what scares the crap out of me? The Gentlemen. They are the bad guys–they don’t talk, they float around in business suits, and they have huge creepy smiles. Plus they look like horrifying ghouls–kind of like what I remember Mr. Boogedy looking like from the Wonderful World of Disney movie. Here’s a picture of the Head Gentleman: http://hush.altervista.org
Audio-Animatronic Pharaoh (Spaceship Earth,
Epcot Center ): You’d think that something really cool and ultra-futuristic would be inside that giant golf ball at Epcot, wouldn’t you? Man oh man would you be wrong! What you find inside Spaceship Earth (official name of the golf ball) is a lame-o ride covering the history of communication. The big finish is a wee bit out of date: Behold, all ye who journey through this glimpse of the future! One day man will be able to communicate upon our astronaut spacemen’s computing machines! Oh, Glorious Wonders! Maybe I’m exaggerating on the out of date thing. But what I’m not exaggerating is how creepy the robotic Pharaoh was in the ancient
Egypt section of the ride. His head was turned out a little to face the "omni-movers" you ride in. His eyes were never looking in the same direction and the light hit them just so…..you come really close to him, too. This makes me look like a huge wuss but I’m not going to lie–I had visions of him becoming self-aware and killing people a la Skynet.
My Dream (night of 11/7/05): I had this dream that I was getting married and it was one of those weird things that happen in dreams where I knew the groom but I didn’t know the groom. Everyone was telling me that we’d been together for a long time and he proposed and I accepted. I knew it was true for some reason but I didn’t remember any of it and I did not want to get married. It wasn’t like a big bear was chasing me or anything. The scary of this dream was less tangible–like a psychologically scary dream. I kept going back and forth trying to decide if I wanted to call off the wedding. I definitely wanted to call it off but I felt bad because a lot of money had been spent and I didn’t want to hurt the groom’s (whoever he was) feelings. I think by the time I woke up I had decided to call it off for sure. Sorry Imaginary Nightmare Groom, but I’m married to the city.
Now that I don’t temp so much anymore, I felt it appropos to look back on my career as a temporary office worker–from the highest high to the lowest low. The highest high was definitely my four days at some property-type company on the east side of midtown. My official job was receptionist but it was only for, like, 4 guys who got exactly one (1) call during my time there. In many temping scenarios, this might be trouble because if you don’t have internet access–you’re going to be totally bored, right? Not at the property-type company on the east side of midtown, you’re not! The moment I got there, the guy showing me around was all ‘here’s a password to get you online’ and ‘feel free to surf the internet’ AND ‘make sure to charge your lunch to the company account’. Jackpot. I had some tasty meals that week–lots of smoothies and fancy salads. And did I ever surf the ‘net like a champ! If memory serves I spent a lot of time at rottentomatoes and the Onion. The only blemish on the entire experience was the fact that the name of the woman I was filling in for was Carrie Lizer–not so much weird that my name is Carey, but weird that her last name ryhmes with my last name. What the hey?
The worst temping assignment was down in the Wall St. area at a bond-holding company. I had to sit in one of those big open rooms that sort of feels like the floor of the stock exchange–everyone is on the phone shouting at someone, lots of miscellaneous beeping sounds coming from all the phones, etc. I’ve had several temp jobs in this kind of setting and while highly annoying, I can suck it up and not be a crybaby about. However, the job was totally sad: I had to call people and give them news about their bond property investments. Sometimes the news was O.K. (ex: your investment is losing money so we are offering to buy you out at the price you paid), but sometimes it was bad (ex: your investment is losing money so we are offering to buy you out for less than you paid). The ass-kicker was that pretty much all the people I called were elderly–senior citizens using some of the money they had saved over the years to invest in bonds. Lots of them couldn’t hear very well so I kept having to shout into the phone for everyone in the office to hear. The saddest part is after three days of doing this, the supervisor was impressed with my "skills" and wanted me to come back. Skills at what? Shrieking at old people? Guess so! Needless to say, no hourly wage–no matter how handsome–could get me to come back to that pit of despair.
Last month I went to L.A. to hang with my bffe on her birthday as well as a few other A-list friends. She decided to have a murder mystery party and although everyone was worried about effing it up, it turned out to be a rocking good time. Everyone was really game, the costumes were great, and the booze helped to loosen things up. I was worried about getting killed after reading my character packet because I was a total moral compass. The murder was set in 1890’s Egypt and I was a lady archeologist who felt the artifacts shouldn’t be sold to English dealers but rather kept for Egyptians. So this one dude tried to kill me after I found out he was a German spy but I had a card that saved me. So. Fun. I hope to put on my own MM party one day but it’s a lot of work……..highly recommended, though.
And for no good reason, here’s my top five list of awful things I enjoy:
5. Grease 2 - Sandy has a cousin and he’s coming to Rydell High!! If only he’d take off those glasses and learn to ride a bitchin’ motor cycle, he just might be able to win the heart of a pre-Lady Hawke Michelle Pfieffer! Co-Starring Lorna Luft, which brings me to number 4…
4. Judy Garland Speaks! - I found this album in the "Celebrities at Their Worst" section of a record store in Cincinnati and boy howdy does it deliver. When I describe the content to friends, they are usually excited to listen but after about 30 seconds they are begging me to turn it off. Why? Back in the day Judy wanted to write her memoirs and started by recording herself talking. Sadly she would only do the recordings late at night when she was strung out on goofballs. Typical sentence: "I tried my damndest to get over that rainbow, and I couldn’t–SO WHAT!"
3. Yu-Gi-Oh! - A horrible horrible Saturday morning cartoon.
2. "Got Dana Hill?" - For what seemed like an eternity (but was probably more like 5 months), Dana Hill’s billboard advertising herself as a spokesmodel-for-hire graced the corner of 52nd and Broadway. It was such a freaky ad, but now that she’s gone I sort of miss her.
1. Quantum Sleeper - Anything I say will just cheapen the experience. www.qsleeper.com
Kurtis Blow once spoke of the IRS saying they wanted his cash and then related it to the old saying, "that’s the breaks". I was never one of those poor saps who owed the government money….until now. It’s highly vexing and I think it might have been prevented. Sometime last year I realized that I could get a bigger paycheck if I simply changed my W-2’s so none of my money would be withheld. I remember thinking at the time that this was the best idea I ever had. "How could everyone be so dumb and I so smart?", I wondered. It’s scary how looking back on it I realize I was acting like Homer Simpson.
It also didn’t help that I moved to New York and even though the cost of living is crazytown, that is not factored in if you make more money (even though when I was making a fraction of my current income in Cincinnati my quality of living was super).
I guess I have to take it like a grown up and stop being a cry baby. But I’m definitely changing my W-2’s back so at least I’ll be slowly pecked to death as opposed to one massive stabbing.